When I first shared this article, I noticed there was a paragraph missing in the middle. I must have deleted it when I added the image and caption. I have fixed it now.
A woman recently turned down a second date with me, citing my The Kev songs and their sexual politics. It’s good that she told me, because if she thinks that, then many other women will agree.
Although most of these songs are so over-the-top that they are obviously not meant to be taken seriously, there are others with which I cannot play the “it’s just a joke” card. In songs like ‘The Friend Zone”, and “I’m Nobody”, I am stating exactly what I really think, and putting it to a pleasant melody in the hope of avoiding conflict.
Romanticism
Philosopher Alain de Botton has often argued that romanticism is one of the worst ideas ever to happen to love. The artistic movement that started around the time of the French revolution, whose leading proponents included Goethe, Lord Byron, and Frederic Chopin, emphasised individualism, beauty, and self-expression.
People have been having sex since the dawn of time and people have been falling in love for just as long. However, romanticism convinced people that sex was the ultimate expression of love. This meant that adultery was now not just a legal or moral problem but an emotional catastrophe. Most great nineteenth century novels tackle this issue.
When it comes to long-term monogamy, my disliking of conflict is a problem. When I was at university from 2002 to 2005, a boy and a girl who I knew well became a couple. I observed couples my own age, and how they would bond by arguing. And the selfishness and unreasonableness that romance brought out in people. I couldn’t bring myself to want that kind of relationship with anyone.
At this time, I was taking two modules in screenwriting, another module in novel writing, and writing a short story collection for my thesis. I was more interested in daydreaming about people who didn’t exist than getting together with people who did. All this daydreaming took a long time to pay off, because I didn’t finally start getting my fiction published till I was in my thirties.
The couple who I knew at uni are now married with children. This shows a different category of patience and stick-to-itiveness.
None of this is to say that I have been unlucky in love. I have always punched above my weight in the looks department, it’s just that my hatred of arguments means that things tend to end at the first sign of imperfection. Daydreaming - which is integral to what I do as a content creator - is just another form of emotional unavailability, and it quickly wears thin for any prospective partner.
What are the alternatives to relationships?
Hook-up culture: Flirtation between the sexes has always been as puzzling to me as ‘banter’ between men. Both involve insincerity and appallingly unfunny attempts at humour. The idea of initiating a conversation with a stranger in a bar fills me with anxiety. And hookup culture has almost all of the same ethical problems as prostitution.
Prostitution: This is an issue I have thought so deeply about that I wrote a 60,000 word novel on it. My all-time favourite short story is one by Frank O’Connor in which the central character gradually becomes a cynical, world-weary sex buyer.
In my late twenties, I got into a toxic friendship with a guy who frequented strip clubs, and fancied himself as the wolf of wall street. Canadian cartoonist Chester Brown wrote a book titled ‘Paying for It’ in which he explains and defends his decision to be a sex buyer. I enjoyed the book and like to think that this is close to the truth about the reality of the sex industry.
However, in recent years, books published about women’s experience within the sex trade include ‘Paid For’ by Rachel Moran, and ‘Any Girl’, by Mia Döring. The conclusions that they and other anti-prostitution feminists reach (eg that the purchase but not the sale of sex should be criminalised) are opposed by the World Health Organisation, Amnesty International, and the United Nations. Yet the fact that these books even exist shows that the only way for a man to be a feminist ally is to be as non-awful as possible. And that means avoiding transactional sex and pornography.
Ethical non-monogamy/polyamory: In 2022, I was approached by a woman who liked my The Kev songs. She explained that she was in a committed relationship, but that she practiced ‘ethical non-monogamy’. Describing oneself as ‘ethical’ is a bit like describing oneself as sexy. That kind of thing is really for other people to decide. But since monogamy isn’t exactly easy, this behaviour is probably more common than we imagine.
I was open to the idea of meeting her, but she was also a gender-critical feminist, which almost always means being an anti-prostitution feminist. I spooked her by sharing some of the above opinions, and never heard from her again.
Sex robots: In popular culture, representation of this type of phenomenon ranges from risible to terrifying.
As someone who came of age in the era of lads’ mags and teen gross-out movies, unrealistic depictions of the female body have shown to be harmful to society. For that reason, sex robots are no laughing matter, and should probably be banned.
Arranged marriage: One of the solutions to falling out of love is to not be too madly in love in the first place. ‘The Vegetarian’ by Han Kang, one of the most critically acclaimed novels of the past decade, contains the observation: “We were approaching the five-year mark, and since we were never really madly in love to begin with, we were able to avoid falling into that stage of weariness and boredom that can otherwise turn married life into a trial.”
Conclusion
Although generally a proactive person, this is the one aspect of my existence in which I just kind of allow things to happen. This year I have been swiping Hinge, which is certainly the least hellish of the dating apps.
I have already met almost ten women from there, and all the dates were cordial if uninspiring. Until something does fall into place, I have to be content with the status quo. In ‘I am a Rock’, Simon and Garfunkel sing “I have my books, and my poetry to protect me.” Romantic songs, unlike actual romances, are perfectible:
What is the Frank O’Connor story?